Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
