My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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