Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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