I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
