this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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