She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
