The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
