im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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