at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
