Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
