just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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