New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
