you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize