Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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