Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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