I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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