I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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