two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think a kid would responsible me up
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
