I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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