conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize