Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
