she looked like the before picture.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
