so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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