She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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