Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
