Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
