bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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