Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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