I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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