Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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