New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
