I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize