I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
