i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
