Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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