I looked at my own cervix.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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