cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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