there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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