i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
