i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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