As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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