And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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