A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
