He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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