just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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