walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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