Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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