I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
