Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize