It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
