Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
