How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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