If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
