I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
