i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize