I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You need a sexual gate keeper
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
