So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
