Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize