How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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