My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
