Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
