they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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