Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
