Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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