3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
