Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
