a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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