Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
