i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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