i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
