Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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