i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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