Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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